I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
