I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
