just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
