Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
