Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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