I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
