Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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