My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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