my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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