I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
