can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
