I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
