Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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