I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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