got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
