My entire life is one complicated drinking game
this boner is exhausting
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My ATM looks so different sober.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
