I met the friendliest cop last night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
