I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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