i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize