Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
