May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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