$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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