i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
