dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
