mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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