I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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