Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
