giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
FUCK WHALES
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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