1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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