When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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