So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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