when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
