FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
