Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
