You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
