dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
