Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
