were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
