Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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