Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
