My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
