Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
