So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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