I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
