i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
And then he peed in my hair
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