he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
