mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
