He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
