he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
