'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Welp...herpes.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
