Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
