Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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