I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Bring me that man meat
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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