I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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