dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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