Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
