I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
