no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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