Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
