if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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