omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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