So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
