Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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