Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
